This is a repository for all my explorations in the quest for truth as a disciple of Christ Yahshua. This blog is meant to encourage you to seek the truth by the leading of the Spirit. Study to show yourself approved, to gird up the loins of your mind and prove the perfect and acceptable will of God.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Everything and Nothing - The Science of Paganism
It is dangerous what conclusions and statements man makes after deriving meaning from scientific experiments. The amount of blasphemous propaganda embedded in this film is subtle and far from innocuous. I am not proposing that science is wrong but that science outside the will of God is dangerous to our relationship with Him. This documentary is really a scientific explanation of thousands of years of esoteric philosophy. As mankind advances down the path that has been laid by eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (duality) with the false promise of having the ability to become like God the human race finds that all we are accomplishing is a long game of confirmation bias passed down from generation to generation.
Monday, September 25, 2017
TVs & Smartphones - Screens for Scrying & Divination
If you were, as a Christian, approached by a fortune teller offering to tell your future, give you some great insights and advice or just have some fun getting your fortune told, would you participate? This is, of course, a rhetorical question. Most Christians would answer with a resounding, "No." So why then do we allow the same types of demonic influences in our very homes? Let me explain...
As someone who used to practice many forms of magick and occult mystery religions I found many similarities in every day life which resemble the practice of magick at their very core. The one example I would like to focus on in this blog is television, or more broadly, any entertainment or content we "digest" through screen-based technology.
Have you ever heard of scrying? If you have never participated in magickal rituals you might not have ever heard of this, but you've most likely seen it in movies, especially ones made by Disney. Remember the evil witch in Cinderella and the whole "mirror, mirror on the wall" bit? This is a form of divination. One stares into a black void, often under the influence of some sort of psychotropic substance that alters brain waves, or "consciousness," to be more in tune with the spirit world. The goal of doing this is to receive visions, conjure and invoke spirits, and to acquire knowledge of present or future events, or to gain insight into one's spiritual life. One of the most famous people who used scrying was Nostradamus. Here are some pictures of scrying mirrors:
As you can see they come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Ask yourself, what common, every-day items do these surfaces look like? Your television set? Your smartphone?
How often to you consult these devices for knowledge or for fun? Most owners of mobile smartphones spend about 3-5 hours per day actively using them. How much time to you spend praying or talking to God?
Interesting that they are called "smart" phones, huh? I think this speaks of the intent behind these devices. The plan is to dumb you down spiritually, not build you up. The more you use these devices the more you become reliant on the technology to fill perceived voids in your life. There is a term being used today to refer to a point in time where humans will eventually merge with technology. This term is called transhumanism. The point at which technology achieves consciousness is called the Omega Point. I won't dwell on these terms too much here but it is suffice to say they are relevant to this post and worthy of understanding. I encourage you to do some research on your own into these topics.
When we go to Google for knowledge are we eating from the Tree of Life or from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? Here is an ironic slogan that was used by Google in the recent past. I wonder why they stopped using it?
When we watch a movie what are we opening ourselves up to? Consider this: When you sit down to watch a movie you are placing yourself in a relaxed, meditative position. You dim the lights and suck down a boat load of carbs, which overloads your brain and body, causing it to crash into a state of slumber. You put moving and flashing pictures on your screen which mesmerize you. What happens next? Your brain goes into an alpha state, bypassing the prefrontal cortex and dulling your sense of judgment. It's not something that happens consciously, at least, not unless you know what to look for. It is quite easy to convince yourself that you are perfectly aware, awake and in control of your thoughts but in all reality you have placed yourself in the position to be brainwashed. Further, think about the "in" that all movies appeal to in order to immerse you in the story. can you guess? Emotions! Why do you think movies are classified as dramas, comedies, action, romance... They attempt to bypass your judgment and influence you directly via emotional manipulation. Every movie has an agenda. Every film has a motive. Hollywood is controlled by an elite class of secret societies, mostly Jesuits and Zionists, whose goals are to indoctrinate and initiate you into the cult of the New World Order through slow, steady immersion into the deep waters of illusion and deception.
If we are to remain pure and holy in God's eyes, and if we are to come out of Babylon, we must be able to critically look at what we have yoked ourselves to. We must be able to discern what is influencing our lives and what drives us. I will readily admit that I thought I was strong enough to stand up against whatever wickedness I encounter in movies and television, even the news media and advertising, but the fact is I am weak. In a world inundated with the satanic agenda we literally must be girded with the full armor of God at all times. ALL times, whether awake or asleep.
What kinds of spirits are you allowing in your life? What inroads have you given them? Are you indoctrinated with thoughts that are not from God? If you are honest with yourself and seek God truly, then you will know the answers to these questions.
It is important also, however, not to write off how Yahweh might use the things of this world for His glory. This is the only real qualification I can add to support the use of technology which has its roots in the heart of man. I believe much of the technology we use has been allowed by God, but not ordained by Him. Even so, all things are ultimately His and He will use them to His glory.
I leave you with one final thought. That is of sorcery. In these end days what humanity has achieved with technology is nothing short of sorcery. We can create any kind of imagery we want and place any kind of messaging along with them. We can create all manner of sounds to enhance the mood of these images. We are even creating 3D virtual reality. We have given ourselves over to sensory experience. It consumes us. This is what sensuality is - the love of the senses. Can you live without your smartphone, internet, television, music, movies, fine food and drink, sex... How about approval from others? A SENSE of belonging? If you look with unmuddy eyes you will see the truth - that we all are susceptible to our base sensory input and fleshly desires. I, for one, hope to be completely freed from the confines of these enslaving, smothering impulses. Father God, LORD Almighty I pray for Your intercession in my life, to lift me out of the pit of slithering deception and stand me firm in the faith You have given me. Amen!
As someone who used to practice many forms of magick and occult mystery religions I found many similarities in every day life which resemble the practice of magick at their very core. The one example I would like to focus on in this blog is television, or more broadly, any entertainment or content we "digest" through screen-based technology.
Have you ever heard of scrying? If you have never participated in magickal rituals you might not have ever heard of this, but you've most likely seen it in movies, especially ones made by Disney. Remember the evil witch in Cinderella and the whole "mirror, mirror on the wall" bit? This is a form of divination. One stares into a black void, often under the influence of some sort of psychotropic substance that alters brain waves, or "consciousness," to be more in tune with the spirit world. The goal of doing this is to receive visions, conjure and invoke spirits, and to acquire knowledge of present or future events, or to gain insight into one's spiritual life. One of the most famous people who used scrying was Nostradamus. Here are some pictures of scrying mirrors:
As you can see they come in all shapes, sizes and forms. Ask yourself, what common, every-day items do these surfaces look like? Your television set? Your smartphone?
How often to you consult these devices for knowledge or for fun? Most owners of mobile smartphones spend about 3-5 hours per day actively using them. How much time to you spend praying or talking to God?
Interesting that they are called "smart" phones, huh? I think this speaks of the intent behind these devices. The plan is to dumb you down spiritually, not build you up. The more you use these devices the more you become reliant on the technology to fill perceived voids in your life. There is a term being used today to refer to a point in time where humans will eventually merge with technology. This term is called transhumanism. The point at which technology achieves consciousness is called the Omega Point. I won't dwell on these terms too much here but it is suffice to say they are relevant to this post and worthy of understanding. I encourage you to do some research on your own into these topics.
When we go to Google for knowledge are we eating from the Tree of Life or from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? Here is an ironic slogan that was used by Google in the recent past. I wonder why they stopped using it?
When we watch a movie what are we opening ourselves up to? Consider this: When you sit down to watch a movie you are placing yourself in a relaxed, meditative position. You dim the lights and suck down a boat load of carbs, which overloads your brain and body, causing it to crash into a state of slumber. You put moving and flashing pictures on your screen which mesmerize you. What happens next? Your brain goes into an alpha state, bypassing the prefrontal cortex and dulling your sense of judgment. It's not something that happens consciously, at least, not unless you know what to look for. It is quite easy to convince yourself that you are perfectly aware, awake and in control of your thoughts but in all reality you have placed yourself in the position to be brainwashed. Further, think about the "in" that all movies appeal to in order to immerse you in the story. can you guess? Emotions! Why do you think movies are classified as dramas, comedies, action, romance... They attempt to bypass your judgment and influence you directly via emotional manipulation. Every movie has an agenda. Every film has a motive. Hollywood is controlled by an elite class of secret societies, mostly Jesuits and Zionists, whose goals are to indoctrinate and initiate you into the cult of the New World Order through slow, steady immersion into the deep waters of illusion and deception.If we are to remain pure and holy in God's eyes, and if we are to come out of Babylon, we must be able to critically look at what we have yoked ourselves to. We must be able to discern what is influencing our lives and what drives us. I will readily admit that I thought I was strong enough to stand up against whatever wickedness I encounter in movies and television, even the news media and advertising, but the fact is I am weak. In a world inundated with the satanic agenda we literally must be girded with the full armor of God at all times. ALL times, whether awake or asleep.
What kinds of spirits are you allowing in your life? What inroads have you given them? Are you indoctrinated with thoughts that are not from God? If you are honest with yourself and seek God truly, then you will know the answers to these questions.
It is important also, however, not to write off how Yahweh might use the things of this world for His glory. This is the only real qualification I can add to support the use of technology which has its roots in the heart of man. I believe much of the technology we use has been allowed by God, but not ordained by Him. Even so, all things are ultimately His and He will use them to His glory.
I leave you with one final thought. That is of sorcery. In these end days what humanity has achieved with technology is nothing short of sorcery. We can create any kind of imagery we want and place any kind of messaging along with them. We can create all manner of sounds to enhance the mood of these images. We are even creating 3D virtual reality. We have given ourselves over to sensory experience. It consumes us. This is what sensuality is - the love of the senses. Can you live without your smartphone, internet, television, music, movies, fine food and drink, sex... How about approval from others? A SENSE of belonging? If you look with unmuddy eyes you will see the truth - that we all are susceptible to our base sensory input and fleshly desires. I, for one, hope to be completely freed from the confines of these enslaving, smothering impulses. Father God, LORD Almighty I pray for Your intercession in my life, to lift me out of the pit of slithering deception and stand me firm in the faith You have given me. Amen!
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Star Trek Discovery - NWO Symbolism
Here are some more examples of the all-pervasive, one-eyed symbolism we are seeing absolutely everywhere. I have to admit I've always been a sucker for the Star Trek T.V. series and movies, even now that I recognize the obvious New World Order messages and symbolism used throughout the entire anthology. Here the symbolism is more overt than ever.
Besides the ubiquitous all-seeing eye of Lucifer we have the triangle symbols with the "as above - so below" meaning behind them. In case you missed it, the Vulcan hand symbol Leonard Nimoy (who is of Jewish descent) coined in the original series is a hand sign used by rabbis in the Aaronic blessing. This hand symbol is nowhere to be found in the Bible but is understood to be adopted into Judaism long ago. It is supposed to be the letter shin in the Hebrew alphabet representing Shaddai, a name for God. It is said to call upon the Shekhina glory of God but in reality this sounds a lot like Kabbalah to me. Does this appeal to the Spirit of Christ in you? Is this holy and pure or is it pagan and unbiblical? You decide. Many, including myself, find it to be profane and demonic.
Although, as I admit, I have been a sucker for the Star Trek series there is one thing above all in the series that I find detestable. It is the blatant winking at sexual immorality. There is always an element of emphasis on the female form in an ungodly way. There is always a lot of suggestive flirting and occasional scenes depicting the act of sex outside of marriage. These movies and shows glorify the idea of fornication. I for one am tired of seeing this sort of crude, base mentality in majority of entertainment. I'm done. I'm done with all of it. From now on I am placing extreme limitations on all my entertainment. I can't justify watching filth because I think I'm strong enough to face it. I can't lie to myself and say God will protect me from that which is unholy when I am willingly participating in it. Granted, I do believe when you are faced with temptation or sin in the world one must stand strong and press into the Lord, but there is a big difference in bringing it into your home and feasting on it. Movies are exactly that: a feast for your soul. They contain visual and aural stimuli which effect you down to to your very heart, whether you know it or not. I would prefer to feed on goodness, and since there is very, VERY little goodness in the Jesuit and Zionist-controlled entertainment industry, I am opting out.
Besides the ubiquitous all-seeing eye of Lucifer we have the triangle symbols with the "as above - so below" meaning behind them. In case you missed it, the Vulcan hand symbol Leonard Nimoy (who is of Jewish descent) coined in the original series is a hand sign used by rabbis in the Aaronic blessing. This hand symbol is nowhere to be found in the Bible but is understood to be adopted into Judaism long ago. It is supposed to be the letter shin in the Hebrew alphabet representing Shaddai, a name for God. It is said to call upon the Shekhina glory of God but in reality this sounds a lot like Kabbalah to me. Does this appeal to the Spirit of Christ in you? Is this holy and pure or is it pagan and unbiblical? You decide. Many, including myself, find it to be profane and demonic.
Although, as I admit, I have been a sucker for the Star Trek series there is one thing above all in the series that I find detestable. It is the blatant winking at sexual immorality. There is always an element of emphasis on the female form in an ungodly way. There is always a lot of suggestive flirting and occasional scenes depicting the act of sex outside of marriage. These movies and shows glorify the idea of fornication. I for one am tired of seeing this sort of crude, base mentality in majority of entertainment. I'm done. I'm done with all of it. From now on I am placing extreme limitations on all my entertainment. I can't justify watching filth because I think I'm strong enough to face it. I can't lie to myself and say God will protect me from that which is unholy when I am willingly participating in it. Granted, I do believe when you are faced with temptation or sin in the world one must stand strong and press into the Lord, but there is a big difference in bringing it into your home and feasting on it. Movies are exactly that: a feast for your soul. They contain visual and aural stimuli which effect you down to to your very heart, whether you know it or not. I would prefer to feed on goodness, and since there is very, VERY little goodness in the Jesuit and Zionist-controlled entertainment industry, I am opting out.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Heart4God Prison Ministry
Joseph has given me his printer and supplies and has connected me with a man who is helping update the mail merge process. Originally, the system was set up in Excel with Visual Basic, which would pull up the newsletters one at a time in Publisher via a macro and merge the info from Excel and print them out. There are 167 newsletters and this feature is an important part of the process as it would take quite a lot of leg work to open each newsletter individually, merge, print, label, staple, fold, seal stamp and mail. With over 250 subscribers and the possibility of the ministry growing rapidly (2015-2016 our mailing list doubled) we really need a solution that can minimize the effort needed to get these newsletters out. It might behoove us to find a programmer who may be able to help write some Visual Basic and create a macro in Access which will handle these tasks. Worst case scenario is that we hire a programmer to pay for these expenses or we search out an existing software solution, but this will require provision from the Lord. Either way we would appreciate your prayers asking Yahweh to provide a way for this ministry to move forward and grow should it be His will.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Hard Working Christians - Slaves to Mammon
Do not overwork to be rich; because of your own understanding, cease! Proverbs 23:4
You may ask,"Is it OK to overwork to give?"
Who is the Giver? And what do you give that has any lasting spiritual value for the Kingdom? Are you giving according to tradition and doctrine or because God is working through you? There are many questions that could be asked in response to that inquiry. The answer will depend on the situation and your gift of discernment. Sometimes it is best to refrain from giving, for it may actually be a hindrance. For example, giving a drunkard money is not always wise. You are enabling his condition. Buying him a meal and offering him something of greater value in the process, ie; the Gospel, might be just the thing to turn him around. However many drunkards prey on Christians for their generosity, merely tolerating their preaching so they can use them to continue in their sin. In most cases I avoid giving to people like this, however, there are times where God leads me to give anyway. I suspect that is because it is for their own good. Maybe this is the act of kindness they need to turn around. Maybe it will be the catalyst for them to hit rock bottom so they can find the Rock they need to stand on.
If God is telling you to give, then give. Giving is a Spirit-led activity, like all things. There really is no blanket rule and Scriptures have different passages dealing with different situations. Now, to address the original question: Working hard in order to give as your top priority is a rare thing. Are you giving a high percentage of your money to the poor? Your church? (BTW I'm not advocating legalistic tithing. God loves a cheerful giver.) Or do you find yourself in such debt that you couldn't if you wanted to?
There are exceptions to the rule of covetousness in the heart of man but I would be skeptical even then wondering just what the motives of these people are. Many wealthy CEOs and bankers give generously to charity yet their motives are clearly impure or self-serving once you start digging below the surface to see their true colors. Christians who believe the Prosperity Doctrine are another prime example. I know many who seek fiercely after their own financial gain and justify it for the sake of their own families.
For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who will give me my bread and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'
Hosea 2:5
Their deeds will not allow them to return to their God. For a spirit of harlotry is within them, and they do not know the LORD.
Hosea 5:4
Scriptures say over and over that seeking wealth is a distraction from God. The mystery of the Gospel message that many seem to not understand is that this world is passing away. All investments in our physical comfort while we are here are fleeting. It is better to sow to our spirit (by the leading of THE Spirit) so that we may be formed into the image of Christ and be preserved body, soul and spirit in the Day. Only those whose bodies and souls are purified and reconciled will enter the Most Holy Place. It takes walking through the refiner's fire to get there. That isn't comfortable.
I don't see Christ, the prophets, nor any of the apostles seeking financial security in the Bible. Few, if any of them started businesses and went into massive debt buying large houses to provide for their large families. Sounds like building your own kingdom to me. Just look at righteous Lot, who brought his family into Sodom and Gomorrah. His loss was great indeed. His wife looked back, not at the debauchery but the financial security and comforts. His corrupted daughters laid with him when he was passed out drunk. Yet Noah, Moses, Paul... their focus was on seeking first the kingdom of God. That's the consistent message of the New Testament. What most Christians today think are blessings are spiritual stumbling stones. The vast majority have bought lock, stock and barrel into the Prosperity Doctrine, and God has given them over to reprobate minds because of their stubbornness.
How many truly are working hard to build the Kingdom, like Paul, who walked over 40,000 miles in his life to establish the churches, wrote 14 epistles, preached to the pagan Greeks as well as the Roman elite, was stoned, jailed and ultimately gave his life as a drink offering for the Kingdom? THAT was giving (Romans 12:1-2). How many are alive today in the comfortable churches of America who follow this example? Can we do that while participating as citizens in a system created to enslave us and distract us away from our higher spiritual calling?
I find most people are out for some sort of personal gain, whether it be for themselves or for their families. What you give yourself to is what you are a slave to. I personally have worked hard to detach myself from dependence on this broken, dying, beast system and trust more on God to provide my daily bread. He of course uses this broken system to provide for me however I am not yoked to it. I have liberty in Christ because I have come out of Babylon and separated myself unto Him. This is what He has asked of me, so this is what I have done. I don't expect everyone to do as I have but I share my testimony in hopes that someone will find value in it. Perhaps someone whom the Father is calling will draw closer to Him because they have heard and understand.
And the Levites who went far from Me, when Israel went astray, who strayed away from Me after their idols, they shall bear their iniquity. Yet they shall be ministers in My sanctuary, as gatekeepers of the house and ministers of the house; they shall slay the burnt offering and the sacrifice for the people, and they shall stand before them to minister to them. Because they ministered to them before their idols and caused the house of Israel to fall into iniquity, therefore I have raised My hand in an oath against them,” says the Lord God, “that they shall bear their iniquity. And they shall not come near Me to minister to Me as priest, nor come near any of My holy things, nor into the Most Holy Place; but they shall bear their shame and their abominations which they have committed. Nevertheless I will make them keep charge of the temple, for all its work, and for all that has to be done in it.
“But the priests, the Levites, the sons of Zadok, who kept charge of My sanctuary when the children of Israel went astray from Me, they shall come near Me to minister to Me; and they shall stand before Me to offer to Me the fat and the blood,” says the Lord God. “They shall enter My sanctuary, and they shall come near My table to minister to Me, and they shall keep My charge.
Ezekiel 44:10-15
In these times God has told us not to build the outer court (Revelation 11:2). There is no room for rubbing shoulders with the world. You are either in the temple or out. God's work right now is focused on His Remnant Bride made from the "rib" of the second Adam (who is Christ). The Body is being built by those who are truly in service to Him, but the church is in such disarray that they wouldn't recognize Him if He were standing right in front of them. This is why the Remnant Priesthood must be caught up to Him at the Millennial Reign, the firstfruits barley harvest, to separate the wheat from the tares, thresh the good grain on the threshing floor and blow the chaff away with the breath of the Spirit (ruach). Then the firstfruit priests must present a wave offering to the Lord. If you really know your Bible you will get the gist of what I'm saying here. If you have studied just enough to reinforce what is acceptable to society and your peers then you are most likely missing the mark.
The return of Christ is at hand my friend. Have you trimmed your wick and oiled your lamp? Are you awake? Have you heard the sound of the trumpet? It has been about two prophetic days since Yahshua's sacrifice. The Bridegroom approaches and the great and terrible Day of the Lord is nigh.
Hosea 6 says:
"He will revive us after two days; (the second coming for the Remnant Bride who will rule and reign with Him as a rod of iron)
He will raise us up on the third day. (the final judgment)
But be warned...
Will not the day of the LORD be darkness instead of light, Even gloom with no brightness in it? "I hate, I reject your festivals, Nor do I delight in your solemn assemblies. Even though you offer up to Me burnt offerings and your grain offerings, I will not accept them; And I will not even look at the peace offerings of your fatlings. Take away from Me the noise of your songs; I will not even listen to the sound of your harps."
Amos 5
This is a reflection of how God feels about the church at this time. It is why I have come out of it into the wilderness to be tested, refined and given a purpose.
Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb. These are the true words of God.
Revelation 19:9
Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection! The second death has no power over them, but they will be priests of God and of Christ, and will reign with Him for a thousand years.
Revelation 20:6
He who overcomes, I will grant the right to sit with Me on My throne, just as I overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.
Revelation 3:22
Friday, July 7, 2017
Why do Christians abandon their faith?
When I was 13 years old I stopped going to church. I thought that it was pointless. I lost whatever fragment of faith I had left which had been diminishing slowly but surely over the course of my youth. I was raised a Christian and when I was young I really had a heart for God, but as I continued on through life I found that Christianity was lacking and brought little to no fulfillment. I rebelled and got into rock and metal music, started doing drugs and fornicating. I got into the occult and eastern philosophies. I fell FAR from the path I began on. WHY? This is a question I asked myself when I first started to come back to Christ a few years ago.
The reason I fell from my faith is that I wasn't standing on a firm foundation. Christians seemed to just be going through the motions, hoping - WISHING that God would reveal Himself and help them through life. But God doesn't serve you. He is not here to make your life easier nor to give you what you THINK you want in life. You are here to serve Him. And He WILL challenge you in the most difficult ways possible to encourage spiritual growth - to raise you up as a child of God. This is a critical part of the Gospel that I missed growing up and one that I think doesn't truly hit home with most Christians today. The 4 most important words in the Bible are... Can you guess? Take a moment...
THY will be done.
It sounds simple but it is the most difficult thing one can do in a fallen world infiltrated and indoctrinated by satanic influences. The Prosperity Doctrine says, "God has a purpose for me. God wants me to be empowered and happy in my life, right?" Yes, but not in the way most are thinking. Power comes from service to His sovereign will. THAT is where happiness and fulfillment comes from. Sabbath rest is life. Remember that every mortal breath is a gift and a curse - a challenge to give yourself over completely to His will regardless of the consequences in this life. Remember the promise He made to give us newness of life in the heavenly new earth. We are merely sojourners in a foreign land here to show the inhabitants of a dying world the path to salvation. Let us not become entangled in the web of the Prosperity Doctrine only to find ourselves disappointed when God does not live up to our expectations. Let us not pursue our own desires and create our own expectations but rather look to Him for a redefining of our will so that we may be in alignment with the mystery of His plan for this age. Look forward to the fulfillment of His promise to those who overcome the fleshly nature of this fallen world. May our Father Yahweh bless and keep you today.
Monday, July 3, 2017
"Fireworks were going off for SOMEBODY..."
Independence Day holds a significant meaning in my mind, but not for the typical reasons. I am a child born of sin. I suppose I should explain what I mean by that. Well, in that case you'd better get yourself a cup of coffee or tea and sit back. So the story of my life begins... Well, the night of my conception at least.
It's the 4th of July, 1975, early evening. Peggy, mother of six-year-old Jesse, receives a call from her best girlfriend, who invites her over to a small private party to have some drinks and play Gin Rummy, Peggy's favorite card game. It will be a double-date so to speak − her girlfriend and her husband as well as a male friend who's had a crush on her for a long-time. Jim has always treated Peggy with gentlemanly care and even does little chivalrous things like opening doors for her and pushing her seat in as she sits down. He has always been a good friend when she needed one, someone to talk to as well as someone to laugh with. She wound up sleeping with him once a couple of years ago in the throes of passion but decided she didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with him further since, well, he was married. They agreed to just be friends and enjoyed going out dancing together.
So Peggy finds a babysitter for the night and makes plans to stay overnight at her girlfriend's house. She puts on a nice pair of jeans, ones that make her butt look nice yet hides her wooden left leg, which she lost in a motorcycle accident several years prior. She always wanted to be a professional dancer but never really found the time to devote to it. After the accident she was obviously not able to entertain the thought anymore. Even though this fact is apparent to her she still has no reservations about hitting the dance floor with her friends. She meets strangers often who never even know about her leg. In fact she has such a passionate “boogie” that no one believes her when she tells them she is handicapped. She literally has to pull her pants leg up to prove it. When they see the artificial leg their jaws drop. Then she proceeds to dance them under the table so-to-speak.
But tonight is not a dancing night. It is a quiet, low key night at home with some friends. Just some simple card games and cocktails. It is just after 11pm and Peggy is quite drunk. She feels nauseous and excuses herself from the table to go to the bathroom. She vomits, rinses her mouth out, washes her face and sits down on the fuzzy-lidded toilet for a minute to pull herself together. It's not long before she gets up, straightens her composure in the mirror and opens the bathroom door. She looks up startled to see Jim standing in the hallway waiting for her.
"Oh you need to go? I'm sorry I took so long," she says.
"No, actually I was waiting for you to come out so I could sneak in a little kiss."
He moves in closer and puts his warm hands around her waist, pulls her in close and lays one on her. They kiss for a minute and then he starts to put his hand up her shirt.
"Wait. No, I can't."
"Why not Peg? Don't you want to go upstairs with me?"
"Well sure I do, but it's a bad time for me."
"What do you mean? It's the 4th of July. We're both a little drunk. It's a perfect excuse to have a little fun don't you think?"
"I'm not feeling well Jim. I had too much to drink. And besides I'm betting you didn't bring protection."
"What do we need that for? Don't you trust me? I know what I'm doing."
"Of course I do Jim, but it's the worst time of month for me. I could get pregnant."
"Oh there's ways around that Peg. Come here," he says as he pulls her in tighter. She pushes him away.
"Sorry Jim. Not tonight."
She walks down the hall and around the corner to the dining room table to join her friends again, leaving Jim in the hall looking sad. He returns to the table a few moments later and pours her another drink.
"I've had enough to drink tonight I think," she says pushing it back in his direction.
"Oh come now Peggy. We're not even close to finishing this game. Baby sips girl. You can do it," he says with a grin.
"You're just trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me," she says back in rebuttal.
"I'd say you're doing a good job of that yourself. What's one more going to do? Baby sips," he says back, still grinning.
She takes a sip and plays the three deuces in her hand. It's Jim's turn now and he plays the last deuce off of Peggy's play. It approaches midnight and Peggy still hasn't finished her drink. She is nodding off, obviously about to pass out. Her girlfriend says, "Peggy, you alright? Want to go to bed?"
"Mmmnnnnyyyes. Nnnyes I do," she slurs.
"Ok well the bed is all set up for you upstairs. Do you need a hand getting up there?" says her girlfriend.
"May…be," she says trying to stand, but stumbling. Jim stands to help her.
"Here Peggy, let me help. Take my arm. OK, I gotcha."
He helps her up the stairs to the bedroom, slowly and carefully. She falls back on the bed. He helps her take her shoes and socks off. The room is spinning wildly.
"Do you want to sleep in your clothes Peg?" he asks.
"Mmnot really."
"Should I help you get out of those tight jeans of yours?"
"Ummmm… no funny business OK?"
"OK Peg. They do make your butt look so nice you know."
He unsnaps her waist, unzips her pants and wiggles them down her legs as she lifts her butt so he can get them off. He loosens the straps on her artifical leg and slips it off. He unbuttons her blouse and tells her to roll over so he can get it and her bra off. She does.
"OK now put your legs under the covers Peg," he says lifting the sheet and blanket up for her. She does and he tucks her in.
"Thanks you Jimmy-boy," she says with a smile and promptly passes out.
She awakens. Something's not right.
Why is Jim on top of me? Oh my God he's inside me!
"Jim! Stop!" she exclaims, still drunk. Everything is spinning. She tries to push him off but is too weak. He holds her arms down and keeps going.
"Jim, I told you NO!" she manages to shout. But it's no use. He's already at his climax.
Fireworks start going off outside.
He rolls off of her. There is a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"I can't believe you did that Jim. I can't believe…"
She passes out again.
She wakes up in the morning and Jim is gone. She's not sure if what happened really happened or if she just dreamed it. She gets dressed and goes out to the kitchen to get some coffee.
Three weeks pass. She wakes up Monday morning to her alarm. She gets up to get ready for work. She doesn't feel well at all. She goes to the bathroom and hangs her head over the toilet. She vomits. She takes a shower and goes on with her day. "I HAVE to work today. I can't afford to lose the money."
The next morning the same thing happens. She begins to wonder why she is still sick, and why it's only right after she wakes up. "Oh no!" she thinks. "Morning sickness. I'm pregnant."
****************
This is a true account of my conception based on my mother's testimony of what happened that night 42 years ago. Some of the details had to be embellished for it to be written the way it is, but this does not take away from the accuracy and impact of the truth. It was difficult for me to imagine and even more painful to accept. This testimony has been part of my healing process. I look back at how dedicated my mother was in many important areas of my life. She worked hard to keep her children well-fed and clothed. She took us to church and introduced us to Christianity. She taught me some very valuable lessons. I always wondered what she meant when she told me about my father the first time saying, "Fireworks were going off for somebody..."Although I can't say she made the right moves in every situation growing up I can look back and thank God that she didn't have an abortion. So many women today would seriously consider it after being raped, even if they were partly to blame for putting themselves in a sinful situation. I'm not sure what value this would hold for you the reader but I pray that if there is an expecting mother out there considering aborting her baby after a rape I would encourage you to look at the blessing God has given to you and turn something incredibly wicked into something beautiful. Honor God by keeping the life He has given you.
Let your baby have its Independence Day.
Some of the most beautifully poetic passages in the Bible speak of the miracle of life:
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
-Psalm 139:13-16
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
-Psalm 139:13-16
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